Monday, February 26, 2018

Let's Catch Up

If we were having coffee together this morning, we would definitely start our conversation talking about this Gluten Free (and vegan!!) Cinnamon Roll from JP's Pastry. We all know how hard it is to find a good gluten free cinnamon roll but it's no surprise to me that JP has figured it out. I would also tell you that I gave up dairy for Lent, so this cinnamon roll is an extra special treat!

After licking the icing off of our fingers - it's really too good to just wipe away with a napkin - I would tell you about the other gluten free and vegan treats that I picked up yesterday at the Triangle VegFest. 

These killer nachos with cashew nacho cheese:

 and this incredible donut: 

- yes, Sunday was a particularly tasty day for me. 

As coffee dates often go, we'd probably start talking about Mason. I would tell you that I can't believe he turned THREE at the end of January. 

Three has been super fun so far, and I'm enjoying his ability to hold more of a conversation with me. He asks lots of questions and while the WHY WHY WHY can get tiring, it's also neat that he's just trying to figure things out. 

Towards the end of our drinks I would most likely get a little bit quiet and you would probably ask how I've been doing since my Mom passed away on Christmas Eve. The two month mark just passed and I have yet to reach the depth of my grief. 

Losing my sweet mama has been incredibly hard. Grief is tough. Grief with a toddler is complicated. In a lot of ways I feel lucky that Mason keeps me so tethered to the present. It's nice to have hours of relief from the ache. But then when I'm by myself, usually in the car, the grief just floods my thoughts and emotions. 

It's honestly like I relive the moment where I realize she's really gone every single time I'm alone. It's devastating and exhausting and just really freaking sad to keep feeling that initial loss. Part of me wants to take a weekend away to just wallow in sadness to get my head above water, and the other part of me feels like maybe this is just what grief is, an ocean. Some days I'm floating on top of still waters basking in the sunshine and the simple truth that I'll be reunited with my mama in heaven, and other days I'm bobbing in the waves trying to catch my breath while my heart breaks. Hopefully with time I'll learn how to swim. 

Wiping tears away is so much easier when I'm sitting with a friend, even an internet one, and let's be honest, that cinnamon roll doesn't hurt either! 😉